Last Monday we pampered our external selves, but this week I want to take care of an internal bit of pampering. Since I write this blog for myself, primarily, this is pampering I need. If it’s not something you need, I apologize for making you skip a week.
This week’s makeover topic was prompted my my reaction
to seeing a before-and-now comparison picture of myself, along with a brilliant post by The Diet Book
when something similar happened to her. I can’t speak for V. (though I would if she would only pay my commission), but my immediate response was the really ugly F-word.
No, not that F-word. That’s ugly enough, but to my eternal embarrassment, there are times when it is the only word that will do.
Nope, the F-word I’m talking about is Failure. When I saw that picture of myself, that’s the first word that leapt to mind. Not a happy memory of an office Christmas party (happy memories of those being a rarity), not a fond remembrance of my “sparkly shirt” which has long since been donated to Goodwill, not even an appreciative and well-deserved pat on the back for the progress I’ve made.
All I saw was the woman who was a failure at controlling herself. And that made me angry…and ashamed. I’m so much more than that. I was more than that then, too. When I look at those pictures, I want to see that woman. Yes, she was fat, but that didn’t define her. Not really. Even friends who see the picture now are puzzled. They didn’t see me as that size either. (What I get for having non-judgmental friends. *G*)
I know I’m not alone in this reaction. Some of you may not have the same reaction, but for those of you who do (or have), I’d love you to join me in replacing the ugly F-word–failure–with one that’s much more beneficial: forgiveness. That’s what I need, anyway. To forgive myself.
Here’s my start: A Declaration of Forgiveness. A simple, yet extremely hard-to-write, statement of exactly what I forgive myself for. (Feel free to pass over it, or adapt it to your needs and choose whatever method works for you. Your blog, a private journal entry, a whispered promise–anything that will free you from your past.)
My Declaration of Forgiveness
I forgive myself for wasted opportunities, for not living my best life for the past 30 years. While I have many happy memories and have experienced great joys, I know now it was not my best life and I know that the the time cannot be reclaimed.
I forgive myself for the periods of gluttony, laziness, poor choices when I knew better, and a deaf ear when someone tried to tell me a better way.
I forgive myself for the damage I’ve done to my body over the years and commit myself to repairing what I can.
I forgive myself for letting down the people who loved me, those who wanted me to have a better life.
I forgive myself for existing in a world of anger, hurt, and sorrow and not recognizing it or when I did, for ignoring it or pretending I didn’t care.
I forgive myself for the periods when I didn’t even try.
I forgive myself for the times I did try and wasn’t successful or gave up too soon.
I forgive myself for seeing myself as a complete failure when I’ve had so many other successes.
And finally, I forgive myself for the repeated attempts it will likely take for me to let go of the past completely and focus on the bright and shiny future I’ve created for myself. I will keep trying until the job is done.
Again, I apologize if this week’s makeover was an area in which you didn’t need any “re-work”, although if you didn’t, I’m extremely happy for you! I hope you understand my need to do it and that you’ll…well, that you’ll forgive me.
Happy Monday to all!
This post has been brought to you by the good F-words: forgiveness, freedom, focus, fitness, fun, and last but not least, fiber.