Cammy Rants and Rambles

I’m thinking of founding my own magazine. All I’m lacking right now is a measly few million dollars in seed capital and a modicum of skill. But I’m working on it, and here’s why.

I met a friend at Border’s for coffee/tea today. While I waited for her, I browsed the magazines. After I checked out the home decorating section (priorities, you know), I moved to the health and fitness magazines. Here are a few of the headlines that jumped out at me from the colorful covers:

Lose 14 Pounds in Two Weeks! (Don’t know why they didn’t just say ‘lose a pound a day’, unless that’s what last month’s article was called.)

Lose Your Belly Flab in Just 3 Easy Minutes Per Day!

Eat Your Way to Being Thin!

Get a Flat Belly Fast

And in a two-for-one cover: 20 Minutes to Slim and Get a Body You’ll Love by May 31

And on and on. Nothing about health or fitness. All about physical appearance.

Don’t get me wrong, there’s nothing wrong with wanting a better body, and there’s a lot right with loving the body you have. I’ve been working very hard over the past two years to make my body better than it was and to love it even in it’s current shape and size. Some of you have been at it even longer and are probably working harder.

After years of the dieting cycle, we know that significant and safe weight loss or body change is never easy, seldom fast, and rarely predictable. We also know that it isn’t lasting without improving the biggest muscle of all: the brain. (Getting that muscle in shape rarely makes the cover pages.)

Clearly, most of these headlines are geared toward women who have very little weight to lose and most are focused on physical appearance. Just once I’d love to see magazine headlines the kind that reflect the realities of those of us for whom weight loss can’t be summed up so easily:

Lose 2 pounds in 21 Days while Working Your Ass Off and Giving Up All of Your Favorite Foods!

12 Exercise Myths Exposed (alt. title: Why It’s Physically Impossible to Put Your Eye Out While Doing Jumping Jacks

10 Reward Ideas for Reaching the ‘teen’ Sizes

“Onederland” is within Your Reach (this year, or maybe next)

7 Effective Tips to Eliminate Chafing

Or maybe…

How NOT to Throw-up During a Workout

Quit Reading This Magazine and Move!Move!Move!

Or what about…

5 Seldom Used but Effective Profanities to Toss at People Who Stare or Shout Insults at You While You’re Exercising

Okay, these are silly, I know. But as silly as they are, they’re more likely to be useful for those of us who have (had) many pounds to lose.

Which is sad.

Which is why I’m starting my own magazine. Venture capitalists, the line forms on the right. Cash only. Up front.