Whew! Now that I’ve got the WordPress update behind me and managed to set up my new DSL provider equipment and redirected my wireless router to the new network*, I can finally turn my attention to some long overdue correspondence:
Please accept my sincerest apologies for any language used during the weekend technical updates that you might have found offensive. Nothing personal intended; it was simply a coping strategy.
I’m sorry I haven’t written sooner. Life has been crazy lately! Thank you so much for sending me the personalized coupons last week! I love coupons, but 80% of those available in the newspaper and circulars are for foods or products I wouldn’t touch if I was Dustin Hoffman and you were Laurence Olivier. (Okay, maybe I would, but I’d try to put up a good fight.) Of the remaining coupons, 19.5% are for products I would happily purchase if only they wouldn’t give me a heart attack or scurvy. That leaves me feeling like an outsider in a coupon-frenzied world.
It’s obvious from the coupons you sent that you really know a lot (a LOT) about me! My personalized coupons for fresh produce, poultry, soy milk, eggs, yogurt, Luna bars, and canned tomatoes will all be used! I especially appreciated the $1.00 off coupon for PB&Co Dark Chocolate Dream Peanut Butter, because you had it on sale and I was able to purchase it without obtaining a second mortgage. Thank you! (I do, however, reserve the right to pursue legal action should my teaspoon-at-a-time plan go awry.)
Since you are clearly interested in building a solid relationship with me, I thought you would appreciate knowing a few more things about me, so that we might spend more time together:
– I often wonder who thought it was a good idea to have those “kid carts” that combine a full-sized grocery cart with a toy car or pony, resulting in a 6-foot long vehicle meandering the aisles (usually with the kids hanging off the sides rather than in their proper places inside the carts.) Want to build good will at no additional cost? Get rid of the kiddie carts.
– If your bakery sold fresh bread in half-loaves, I’d buy one every week.
While we’re in the bakery section, I have to mention that I really don’t appreciate your marketing ploy of packaging cake slices in 2-slice packs. That’s like matches to a pyromaniac for some folks. On second thought, perhaps this technique is actually beneficial to me. Carry on!
– Protein powder is NOT a natural food, and you look a teensy bit silly for having an entire shelf of it in the natural foods section. Just sayin’.
I’ll share more in the future, but only if you send me more personalized coupons. Or get rid of the kiddie carts.
Yours in groceries,
Dear Memphis Restaurateurs,
In case you missed this interesting industry news, I thought I would bring it to your attention. I know you don’t want to be caught behind the trend! Perhaps at your next association meeting, you could discuss having a Good-Kids-Eat-Free program with requirements along these lines:
1) Good children understand and accept the word ‘no’ without histrionics.
2) Good children chew with their mouths closed.
2.1) Good children do not hang over booths and open mouths to show neighboring diners what they’re having for dinner.
3) Good children do not scatter majority of plate contents on the floor.
You could even have a cartoon character mascot (a la Smokey the Bear) to promote the cause. Goodie Goat? Freebie the Ferret? You have marketing people, make them earn their pay!
Two-for-one coupons are not helpful to the solo diner. Not at all.
Dear Fellow in Red Camaro who honked at me while I was out walking on Saturday,
Thank you! I got another mile out of that one gesture. You ROCK!
Okay, I think I’m caught up! And just in time for lunch!
Wishing you a marvelous week ahead! Why not take a moment to catch up on your own overdue letters?
*I’m a little proud, as you might have guessed, as some of this stuff is way outside my comfort zone. I just kept reminding myself that I couldn’t do push-ups at one point in time either.