Letters I’ve Been Meaning to Write

Whew! Now that I’ve got the WordPress update behind me and managed to set up my new DSL provider equipment and redirected my wireless router to the new network*, I can finally turn my attention to some long overdue correspondence:

Dear Lord,
Please accept my sincerest apologies for any language used during the weekend technical updates that you might have found offensive. Nothing personal intended; it was simply a coping strategy.

Yours truly,

Dear Kroger,
I’m sorry I haven’t written sooner. Life has been crazy lately! Thank you so much for sending me the personalized coupons last week! I love coupons, but 80% of those available in the newspaper and circulars are for foods or products I wouldn’t touch if I was Dustin Hoffman and you were Laurence Olivier. (Okay, maybe I would, but I’d try to put up a good fight.) Of the remaining coupons, 19.5% are for products I would happily purchase if only they wouldn’t give me a heart attack or scurvy. That leaves me feeling like an outsider in a coupon-frenzied world.

It’s obvious from the coupons you sent that you really know a lot (a LOT) about me! My personalized coupons for fresh produce, poultry, soy milk, eggs, yogurt, Luna bars, and canned tomatoes will all be used! I especially appreciated the $1.00 off coupon for PB&Co Dark Chocolate Dream Peanut Butter, because you had it on sale and I was able to purchase it without obtaining a second mortgage. Thank you! (I do, however, reserve the right to pursue legal action should my teaspoon-at-a-time plan go awry.)

Since you are clearly interested in building a solid relationship with me, I thought you would appreciate knowing a few more things about me, so that we might spend more time together:
– I often wonder who thought it was a good idea to have those “kid carts” that combine a full-sized grocery cart with a toy car or pony, resulting in a 6-foot long vehicle meandering the aisles (usually with the kids hanging off the sides rather than in their proper places inside the carts.) Want to build good will at no additional cost? Get rid of the kiddie carts.
– If your bakery sold fresh bread in half-loaves, I’d buy one every week.
While we’re in the bakery section, I have to mention that I really don’t appreciate your marketing ploy of packaging cake slices in 2-slice packs. That’s like matches to a pyromaniac for some folks. On second thought, perhaps this technique is actually beneficial to me. Carry on!
– Protein powder is NOT a natural food, and you look a teensy bit silly for having an entire shelf of it in the natural foods section. Just sayin’.

I’ll share more in the future, but only if you send me more personalized coupons. Or get rid of the kiddie carts.

Yours in groceries,

Dear Memphis Restaurateurs,
In case you missed this interesting industry news, I thought I would bring it to your attention. I know you don’t want to be caught behind the trend! Perhaps at your next association meeting, you could discuss having a Good-Kids-Eat-Free program with requirements along these lines:
1) Good children understand and accept the word ‘no’ without histrionics.
2) Good children chew with their mouths closed.
2.1) Good children do not hang over booths and open mouths to show neighboring diners what they’re having for dinner.
3) Good children do not scatter majority of plate contents on the floor.

You could even have a cartoon character mascot (a la Smokey the Bear) to promote the cause. Goodie Goat? Freebie the Ferret? You have marketing people, make them earn their pay!


Two-for-one coupons are not helpful to the solo diner. Not at all. :(

Dear Fellow in Red Camaro who honked at me while I was out walking on Saturday,
Thank you! I got another mile out of that one gesture. You ROCK!

Best always,

Okay, I think I’m caught up! And just in time for lunch! :)

Wishing you a marvelous week ahead! Why not take a moment to catch up on your own overdue letters?

*I’m a little proud, as you might have guessed, as some of this stuff is way outside my comfort zone. I just kept reminding myself that I couldn’t do push-ups at one point in time either. :)

20 thoughts on “Letters I’ve Been Meaning to Write

  1. Dear Cammy,

    Thank you for always making me laugh while simultaneously inspiring me to get up and do SOMETHING good for myself. Your blog helps keep me motivated on the journey to better health and there aren’t many I can say that for.

    Happy Monday!

  2. Funny! Now I am thinking about what letters I would write! I thought of you today when I saw that wp3.1 is coming in December:(

  3. This is one of the reasons I hate using those stupid membership card programs at the grocery store is because they send you so much crap that they SAY is tailored to your shopping needs, but ISN’T Between the Sunday coupons and the coupons that come in the mail from Price Chopper (our local version of Kroger), I use maybe 5% of them. *sigh*

    As for the guy in the red Camaro, I think I would have possibly been too busy standing there, drooling over the car (especially if it was a vintage ’68 or a brand new Camaro) to even be able to continue my walk. But good for you! Keep it up, Cammy!

  4. Cammy, you are too friggin funny!!!!!!!!!!! I love your letters & I am in awe of your computer skills! My mind does not work that way! Thank god my hubby’s or I would be in deep you know what!

  5. This post is too cute!

    I’d love personalized coupons. I’m all about promo codes and coupons and sales. Though, like you said, the run-of-the-mill standard coupons you get are never really for anything I’d buy. Even if it is 50% off.

    You write like I think. And sometimes talk. The evidence that we really are long-lost twins is building…

  6. Cute! I like when Jimmie Fallon writes his “thank you” notes, and this post reminds me of that.

    So right about those kiddie carts at the grocery store! Do not like those at all.

  7. hehe! you are cracking me up this morning! thanks for the smile at the start of what promises to be a gind of a day.

  8. Letter to write…what a GREAT idea…and stepping out of comfort zone..my daily mission lately!

  9. Dear Cammy,

    Thank you for being the first person I didn’t really know to comment on my blog and for sticking with me all these months. Thank you for always making me laugh because laughter is what makes the world go around and it’s healthy, too!
    Also, I love the personalized Kroger coupons and hate the kiddie cars, too (and I have kids!).

    With much admiration,

  10. Ha ha! Try being the parent driving the 6 foot long boat uh I mean kiddie cart! If you get those up against a wall, God help you, because those things don’t turn for anything! So glad J grew out of those!!!

  11. Loved your letters Cammy. Too funny!! You seem to have great computer skills and I love the look of this site.
    Can I ask, which theme is it?
    Thanks for putting a smile on my face today!

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