Daredevil Fitness

Tomorrow is a Very Big Day for me. As I mentioned earlier this week, I have to build and execute my own strength workout. In the past when I've had to do this, I planned for a "make do" workout, just enough to satisfy the strength-training requirement. And that was fine. I'd be tempted to do the same this time, considering it's a holiday, but with my personal trainer sessions coming to an end, it's more important for me to know that I can do this on my own.

And I can, you know. :)

If that wasn't enough pressure, I'm raising the bar by
1) going to the gym for this workout
2) going to the weight area (a.k.a. Manville) of the gym
3) going to the weight area of the gym while wearing my sports tank, previously worn only in the privacy of my own home and once in the backyard (but never the front yard)

Ah, the drama! The angst! Surely this is enough stress to take my mind off the actual workout. :)

I hope you all have safe and healthy weekend!

Bike Riding with an Attitude

Simply put, I am a rock star.

If you'll remember, I was planning to ride 12 miles today. Well, I overshot my mark and rode 13.2 miles!

My legs are a quivering mass of jelly right now, but I'm hoping that's a temporary thing.

I'm proud of this ride (as if you couldn't tell), because I was really lost in some negativity at around the 3-mile mark. I was on what has to be the bumpiest road in Memphis, it seemed as though I was having to tackle one hill after another, and my legs were just dead. My mind was cycling through (hee-hee!) one put down after another. I'm never going to get the hang of this. I ought to be able to go faster. My flabby legs look ridiculous. All sorts of useful stuff like that. Over and over and over.

Finally, after a mile or so of that, I got sick of my own self, and got back on track with more helpful internal stuff. I'm not going to get better by NOT doing it. I couldn't go even this far on my first few rides. My legs may be flabby, but they're strong. Ah, much better.

Only two significant events occurred on today's ride, both rather marginal. The first was when I approached an intersection and encountered one of the bike packs that regularly ride the area on Sunday mornings. These are Serious Bikers. They even have jerseys and wear bike shorts and keep pace with traffic.

And then there's me. Riding along at a whopping 10 miles per hour, with my too-big Fitness Together t-shirt and my flabby (but strong!) legs. They all looked at me and then at each other, as if to say, "Who the hell is this person, riding in our territory."

Then the light changed and they rode off, thus avoiding a potentially ugly Jets and Sharks moment.

Something about the way they looked at me (or the way I perceived it, to be more correct) sparked a little energy fuse in me, and I had a new mantra for the remainder of the ride to breakfast: I belong here, too.

The only other item of note was that I passed a dead possum on the side of the road. (If only I'd gotten there sooner!) I'm proud to report that I can now add 'Riding a bike with eyes closed and holding breath for 1/10 mile ' to my biking skills resume. Yuk!

Nothing else of note to report. Oh, wait! I almost forgot! JCPenney! No tip jars, but the cashier certainly deserved a big tip. They were having some sort of "early-bird" sale, and she got me an extra 10% off my purchase. It helped a LOT because I bought a pair of workout shorts, two workout tops (sleeveless!), two pair of every day shorts, a t-shirt, and a pair of pants. Pants and shorts were size 8's (!!!) and tops were all larges due to the flabby belly. (That's not a complaint: I started out in 2x and 3x. Large is a very good thing! *G*). I'm much more comfortable shopping in the "regular" section of the store now, feeling a lot less like an imposter than I did before. An NSV? I'll take it as one.

Is it lunchtime yet? That's the thing about a long ride. It takes a lot to fill up afterward. I'm off to do the countdown. I hope you all have a super Sunday!

~

Looking to the Future

One of the things that scares intrigues me about the future is how I'll adjust into a routine that allows the proper balance of nutrition and exercise for maintaining my weight. How many calories will I eat? How much exercise will I have to do? That sort of thing.

Today I took a step toward figuring it all out. I signed up for a class entitled "You Are What You Eat". (In my prior life, I guess I would've been Little Debbie Tostito, or something like that.) According to the course description, I will learn "...about types of nutrients, how much you need, functional foods, grocery shopping, meal planning, and physical activity recommendations." Among other things.

I probably know some of the material already (one would hope), but I figure it can't hurt to check this thing out and, perhaps, get some one-on-one time with a nutritionist. Besides, there might be people of the m-e-n persuasion there. :)

And of course, I'll share anything I learn! For free, too!

~

Sharing the Love

Before I do anything else, let me first report that I've been a bad, bad blogger! In posting the Pumpkin Spice Cake/Bar recipe, I failed to give credit to the source! **Gasp** I apologize to SHESCRAFTY at Sparkpeople Recipes for the oversight.

Some interesting links I've come across lately:

From Dumb Little Man, one of my favorite blogs, this link will have you thinking twice the next time someone asks how you are and you say, "Fine."

From the sadly neglected folks at Sparkpeople.com (neglected by me, anyway), this link is useful for those who quake in their shoes at the very notion of eating healthy at a fast food restaurant.

In this link, from dietriffic, you can find a checklist of habits that might be interfering with your fitness efforts. Practical stuff most of us know, but it might be useful for a review.

And last but not least, another one from Dumb Little Man. For those of us who struggle with junk food and sodas, this link has a tippy toe approach to conquering those addictions that just might work.

I hope you all have a fantastic Friday and for those of you traveling on this (U.S.) holiday weekend, please drive safely! And don't forget the sunscreen!

Makeover Monday: The "F" Word

Last Monday we pampered our external selves, but this week I want to take care of an internal bit of pampering. Since I write this blog for myself, primarily, this is pampering I need. If it's not something you need, I apologize for making you skip a week. :)

This week's makeover topic was prompted my my reaction to seeing a before-and-now comparison picture of myself, along with a brilliant post by The Diet Book when something similar happened to her. I can't speak for V. (though I would if she would only pay my commission), but my immediate response was the really ugly F-word.

No, not that F-word. That's ugly enough, but to my eternal embarrassment, there are times when it is the only word that will do.

Nope, the F-word I'm talking about is Failure. When I saw that picture of myself, that's the first word that leapt to mind. Not a happy memory of an office Christmas party (happy memories of those being a rarity), not a fond remembrance of my "sparkly shirt" which has long since been donated to Goodwill, not even an appreciative and well-deserved pat on the back for the progress I've made.

All I saw was the woman who was a failure at controlling herself. And that made me angry...and ashamed. I'm so much more than that. I was more than that then, too. When I look at those pictures, I want to see that woman. Yes, she was fat, but that didn't define her. Not really. Even friends who see the picture now are puzzled. They didn't see me as that size either. (What I get for having non-judgmental friends. *G*)

I know I'm not alone in this reaction. Some of you may not have the same reaction, but for those of you who do (or have), I'd love you to join me in replacing the ugly F-word--failure--with one that's much more beneficial: forgiveness. That's what I need, anyway. To forgive myself.

Here's my start: A Declaration of Forgiveness. A simple, yet extremely hard-to-write, statement of exactly what I forgive myself for. (Feel free to pass over it, or adapt it to your needs and choose whatever method works for you. Your blog, a private journal entry, a whispered promise--anything that will free you from your past.)

My Declaration of Forgiveness
I forgive myself for wasted opportunities, for not living my best life for the past 30 years. While I have many happy memories and have experienced great joys, I know now it was not my best life and I know that the the time cannot be reclaimed.

I forgive myself for the periods of gluttony, laziness, poor choices when I knew better, and a deaf ear when someone tried to tell me a better way.

I forgive myself for the damage I've done to my body over the years and commit myself to repairing what I can.

I forgive myself for letting down the people who loved me, those who wanted me to have a better life.

I forgive myself for existing in a world of anger, hurt, and sorrow and not recognizing it or when I did, for ignoring it or pretending I didn't care.

I forgive myself for the periods when I didn't even try.

I forgive myself for the times I did try and wasn't successful or gave up too soon.

I forgive myself for seeing myself as a complete failure when I've had so many other successes.

And finally, I forgive myself for the repeated attempts it will likely take for me to let go of the past completely and focus on the bright and shiny future I've created for myself. I will keep trying until the job is done.

Again, I apologize if this week's makeover was an area in which you didn't need any "re-work", although if you didn't, I'm extremely happy for you! I hope you understand my need to do it and that you'll...well, that you'll forgive me. :)

Happy Monday to all!

This post has been brought to you by the good F-words: forgiveness, freedom, focus, fitness, fun, and last but not least, fiber. :)

~

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Choosing a Different Street

At some point last year, something went Click! and I suddenly found myself able to control...well, me. I've tried and tried to figure out what that something was, but I've never been able to put my finger on it. Now, I think I realize that there was no "it", but rather a series of life experiences that finally coalesced into some sort of usable plan. I've discussed some of those here before, but one was lingering outside my memory bank until yesterday, when I was trying to find something to inspire a blogging buddy who'd lost his way.

How do you help someone change a mindset that, based on experience, expects to fail? Who knows a particular thing will lead to failure and does it anyway? I've done it myself so many times before. How am I able to avoid it now? I want so badly to know, to be able to share some valuable piece of insight that will help someone in need change his/her path.

Anyway, as I was pondering this question last night, a piece of prose I read eons ago (one of those life experiences I mentioned earlier) came to mind:

Autobiography in Five Short Chapters
by Portia Nelson

Chapter One
I walk down the street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I fall in.
I am lost....I am helpless.
It isn't my fault.
It takes forever to find a way out.

Chapter Two
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I pretend I don't see it.
I fall in, again.
I can't believe I am in the same place.
But, it isn't my fault.
It still takes a long time to get out.

Chapter Three
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I see it is there.
I still fall in.....it's a habit....but, my eyes are open.
I know where I am.
It is my fault.
I get out immediately.

Chapter Four
I walk down the same street.
There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.
I walk around it.

Chapter Five
I walk down another street.


From the book There's a Hole in my Sidewalk by Portia Nelson

If you find yourself knowing you're going down the wrong road, one that leads to failure, and doing it anway, I hope you can find the strength to choose another street.

It's my greatest wish for all of us.


Happy healthy Thursday to all!

P.S.
As usual, these are not my feet. :) Photo by zen.

~
~

Make Me Over May

I've mentioned that, with the arrival of May, I'm moving into the 12th month of my life change. Never in a million years would I have thought I would have reached this weight and this size within a year. I had been trying to lose weight in fits and starts for a year or so before last May, and even though I was moving in the right direction, I couldn't find anything that really lit the fire and got me enthused about it.

Enter the Style Network. This is a U.S. cable network that I had previously ridiculed as the biggest waste of air time on the planet, excluding recent State of the Union addresses. I'm not sure how my television landed on Style one day, but it was a life changing event. They were showing The Biggest Loser reruns and other shows that featured personal makeovers in a "Make Me Over May Style-athon". Seeing other people's successes night after night provided that spark I so desperately needed.

So. In honor of that, I thought it might be fun, but maybe not *G*, to turn my Mondays into Makeover Mondays. Each week, I'll find something to focus on making over, whether it's an internal or external thing. Hopefully before the month is over, one or more of these will be useful to anyone other than me.

For the first Makeover Monday, I'd like to focus on the biggest makeover potential of all: attitude. Changing how we view life and the world around us can be instrumental in our success. Or,at least, our perception of our success.:)

Motivational speaker Brian Tracy follows the philosophy that it's not that "we believe it when we see it", but that "we see it when we believe it." If we believe we are destined to fail, we will see our failures all around us. If we believe ourselves to be successful, we can fill up a page listing all the wonderful things we see ourselves accomplishing.

The concept made sense to me then, and it still does. But sometimes I need reminding, and that's when a little trick presented at the seminar comes in handy. It's a simple mantra, repeated ten times while looking myself in the eye in the bathroom mirror first thing in the morning. It goes like this:

Something wonderful will happen.

It couldn't be more simple, could it? Four little words. After you've repeated this simple little phrase over and over, it kind of plants the idea in your mind that it's going to be a good day and you start looking for all wonderful things coming your way. And guess what?

They always do.

Because you believe good things will happen, you will see them everywhere. What was a nice gesture from someone the day before becomes magnified when it's something wonderful. A parking place near the door becomes something wonderful. A simple compliment like, "Cute blouse", can swell your heart because it's something wonderful. An extra 0.10 mile on the elliptical when you were sure Death was imminent is an even greater accomplishment and something completely wonderful.

You see? It's a matter of perspective and attitude, and after a while you grow to live a life of wonder and joy. Yes, there are problems, ups and downs and turnarounds, but a few whispered "Something Wonderful Will Happen" reminders will usually get your mind refocused.

So far today, many wonderful things have happened. The sun is shining, the temperatures are mild, I had a simply wonderful blackened chicken salad for lunch, and the workday is moving along at a clippety-clip pace without a lot of drama and angst. And that's just scratching the surface. There have been a few grr-r-r moments, too, but with so many wonderful things happening, those moments are merely irritants, as opposed to pattern-makers.

What wonderful things happened in your world today?

SMART Splurging

Since we've so recently visited the topic of splurging... :)

I'm rapidly approaching my one-year anniversary on this Me Makeover, and I'm surprised at how far I've come since this time last year. My hope was to have lost about half the amount of weight I've lost to date. I never dreamed I'd be approaching the 85-pound mark within a year!

It's not that I'm an underachiever (although I probably am, to some degree). It's that I had already decided going into the change that I wasn't going to diet. I wasn't going to slash all my favorite foods out of my life. Instead I was going to figure out some way to manage them properly. Other people did it; I knew that I could, too! And thus was born the new-to-me concept of the SMART splurge.

I borrowed the SMART idea from the problem-solving area of my professional life. When we propose a solution to a problem area, it must pass the SMART test:
S - Is the proposal specific?
M - Is it measurable?
A - Is it achievable?
R - Is it reasonable?
T - Is it trackable?

You can see where this is going, can't you? :) In order to "work in" some of my favorite foods, I had to develop a SMART splurging plan.

First I had to get specific:
- If I am following an otherwise healthy eating and exercise pattern, I will allow myself one meal per week that contains beef and/or white starch, but it must fit within my calorie budget for the day.
- If I am following an otherwise healthy eating and exercise pattern, I will allow myself one meal per month that does NOT have to fit within my calorie count.

Next, I had to figure out a way to measure the splurge. For my allowable weekly splurge, a beef serving is defined as a small steak or hamburger patty, or a serving size of meat sauce. A "white starch" product is a small hamburger bun, white pasta, one slice of pizza, or a reasonably-sized baked potato.

For the monthly splurge meal, I decided to measure by a different definition, namely that the splurge started when I sat down at the table and ended when I stood up. None of this pizza here, an ice cream cone an hour later, and potato chips an hour after that. Monthly splurge = one meal, not one night of grazing for hours.

After I'd established the parameters, I had to consider if the concept was achievable. Was it possible for me to detour from my routine for one entree or one meal, and then return to that healthy routine immediately. For so many years, I'd been conditioned to believe that one eliminated all unhealthy foods from the diet, lost weight, and then could eat what one wanted and live happily ever after. I could do the first part and a little bit of the second, before jumping ahead to the third part. That wasn't exactly working for me (hadn't worked for anyone I ever knew), and I realized that what healthy people did, in various ways, was to mix enough of the third part (a specific, measured amount of "forbidden foods") into the first two parts of the cycle. Yes, I decided, I could very possibly live a very happy and healthier life that way! :)

Then I asked myself if these splurges were reasonable. When I looked at the calories and other nutritional values of the foods I thought would be prime splurge candidates, I knew that I could have them (in SMART amounts) and still be healthy.

And finally, I needed a way to track the splurges accurately and honestly. That's where Sparkpeople's food tracker came into play. I could use it to record food values consumed, as well as record the fact that the splurge had occurred. No chance of any "Oops, I forgot I already had a burrito this week. Oh well." (I can "oh well" myself into trouble in an unhealthy heartbeat, I'm sure.) While I no longer record my daily intake in Sparkpeople on a regular basis, I do record any splurges. Just to remind myself that they occurred. :)

By now you're thinking that I waaaay over-thought this concept of splurging. You may be right. But I knew the only way I could successfully change my eating habits for the long term was to develop a way to manage them intelligently. And for me that meant I needed a plan. A SMART plan. So I built one for myself, and it worked.

Here's the really funny thing, a result I never expected. I thought the splurges might cause problems with guilt or shame over "breaking my diet", but with each SMART splurge, what I've gained has been CONTROL. I'm more strongly committed to a healthier lifestyle than ever, and I'm not sure I would've been without the possibility of tasting my Memaw's fried chicken at least once a year. :)

Some folks moving to a healthy lifestyle don't feel they're able to splurge. I understand that and respect their evaluations of their own behaviors. And for others who do build splurges into their lives, my way might not work. I share it here only because it worked for me, and it might be an option for anyone out there who is feeling deprived and on the edge of falling into old patterns.

Happy midweek to all!

~

Menu Then, Menu Now

Delusional Gym Manager asked me the other night to tell her a typical day's menu for me these days. I told her what I'd had the day before, and it wasn't until I was on the way home that I thought to compare it with what I might have had a year ago or two years ago.

Typical Daily Menu Then
Breakfast: biscuit w/butter and grape jelly or a biscuit with milk gravy
Snack: something from the cafeteria (muffin, maybe) or peanut butter and crackers
Lunch: cheeseburger and fries, or slice of pepperoni pizza and a salad
Snack: oversized cookie or a candy bar
Dinner: maybe a Taco Bell run (2 tacos and an order of nachos) or fish and chips
Snack: chocolate something, or microwave popcorn (whole bag), or both
(probably around 3000 calories or more)

Typical Daily Menu Now (actual from Monday, a strength training day)
breakfast: banana, Fiber One bar (peanut butter and oats)
snack: Fiber One yogurt
lunch: chef salad, tbsp of hummus & salsa (yum!) on a pita wedge
snack: apple, New Balance protein bar
dinner: turkey & pepper jack cheese on whole wheat w/lettuce, tomato, & yellow mustard; 3/4 oz pretzels
snack: watermelon (1/4 cup) and mini-rice cakes (or was it sugar free pudding? I forget.*G*)
(Note: I wouldn't normally have two "bar" products in one day, but the cafeteria didn't have fat-free milk so I skipped cereal.)
(around 1300 calories, if I remember correctly)

As you can see, not a perfect diet, even today, but it's so much better than it was. I eat much more good protein, much better carbs, and a fraction of the fat I used to. I'm very pleased with my progress and looking forward to continuing changes for the better.

I think I've mentioned before something an ex-manager used to say frequently: "Don't let best get in the way of better." There are a lot of "right" things about striving for perfection, but we are all human. We will fail, and we will often do it spectacularly. If we're lucky, we'll learn from it, but sometimes the only thing we can do is get past it. We will know we have truly grown if, after one of those oops! moments we sometimes have, we refocus on this fundamental truth: We don't have to be the best. We just have to be better.

(All my own widdle opinion, of course.)

Wishing all of you a better tomorrow! :)

~

Stop the Presses: Late-breaking Development

From dictionary.com

cloud nine
–noun Informal. a state of perfect happiness (usually in the
phrase on cloud nine).
[Origin: 1955–60]

Okay, so if perfect happiness is cloud nine, I'm not sure what cloud number I'm on. Oh wait, yes I do. It's cloud 14, or 14.7 to be precise. That, my friends, was the news I got tonight when I had a body fat check-up at the gym. A year ago my body fat was measured at 36.3% and tonight it's 14.7%, belly fat notwithstanding.

Color me happy.

And proud.

Now seems like the perfect time to thank you all again for your tremendous support. Most of us didn't "meet" until January, but that was a bit of a blessing, I think. Getting to know all of you kept me focused and committed through the ugliness of winter. I appreciate you all so very much!

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On Motivation

I took this afternoon off for some de-cluttering. I hauled off 3 more bags of clothes that didn't fit, and four boxes of...stuff. More is going out the door tomorrow. ::pats self on back::

Anyway, during my breaks this afternoon I caught up on non-HYC feeds, and I found this gem on motivation from Dumb Little Man. Two points, specifically, jumped out at me:

"When you are motivated by things, ideas, the future, or other goals, your success is dependent on those things. "

and

"If you are motivated by a desire to improve yourself, you will always be accomplishing—it will be an ongoing process."

Wow. So true, and probably the reason I've recorded some successes with this life change thing. Before, my motivation to lose weight was to be thin. Following a "diet" or exercise plan wasn't success. Losing any amount of weight wasn't success. Being thin was the only indicator of success, and I was a long, long way from thin.

Now, my motivation is to be healthier and more fit, to be able to participate in physical activities, to reduce my blood pressure, to build stronger bones and muscles. And yes, one motivation is to be--no, not thin-- but, thinner, because thinner in my case translates to healthier.

When I think of it like that, I can see success all around me. It's fruits and veggies galore in my kitchen, with nary a Little Debbie in sight. It's the stack of workout clothes on the shelf in my closet. It's there every time I go to the gym or the training studio, and every time I drink another glass of water. It's a reduced dosage on my BP medicine and a doctor considering dropping the prescription entirely. It's size 10 pants on a body that wore size 22 last year. I can even see success on my beloved iPhone, where I've placed a bookmark on the main screen with a link to calorie-count.com. (In less than 5 seconds, I can order a healthier meal in any restaurant! LOL)

With this New! and Improved! motivation (so much better than the old me had), I see success everywhere! Every. Single. Day. And as DLM said, this kind of motivation never ends. There's always something to strive for, to work toward, to feel good about! A quicker mile, another push-up, a canceled prescription. Anything, to be better than I was before, to simply improve myself.

...and Break Time is over. Back to decluttering. Wishing you a hugely successful weekend! :)

~

Healthy You Challenge Update Week 14

It was a little bit of a deja vu moment. When I stepped on the scale tonight, I went through the exact thought process I did on Friday night. Stared down at the result and then thought, Nothing to do now but keep on doing what I'm doing. I actually appreciate the sameness--the routineness--of it. Consistency, that's the word I'm looking for.


Well, okay, tonight there was one difference. I showed a 1.4 pound loss from last Monday! You know what that means, don't you? BLING!! I earned my 80 pound badge!


While I did take a moment to savor it, I had to hustle out to my workout. Consistency. I've never had a lot of that before. :)


To commemorate this auspicious occasion, I offer a glimpse at the difference 80 lbs makes:

These are head shots for my work profile, so you'll understand why I'm not at my best. :) The photo on the right was taken a couple of weeks ago, just after I'd finished leading a workshop all morning (to explain the somewhat washed-out look *G*). The photo on the left is somewhat embarrassing, but I try to focus on my smile and remember that I was (and am) a mostly good person no matter the size.

(edited to fix photo size)
I thank ALL of you so very much for your amazing support, always, but especially these past few weeks while I truly tippy-toed my way to new bling. We can all exhale now; I think the next one will be a while coming. And that's okay. Nothing to do but keep on doing what I'm doing. :)

Also a thank you for the well wishes on the dental dilemma. My dentist called in an antibiotic today, and I'm already feeling much relief! I may even sleep!

Fingers crossed that everyone had a successful week, on the scale or beside it!

Go Tigers!

~

Not a Creature Was Stirring...

Okay, so it's the wrong time of year, but that's the best way to describe the city of Memphis this mild, sunny Saturday afternoon at around 5:00 p.m. It looked like a ghost town.

Where were all the people? At home or in a bar somewhere, watching University of Memphis Tigers win their semi-final and earn their way to the NCAA basketball championships.

I watched the first half of the game from a deserted gym. Usually on a Saturday afternoon, there might be 20 or so people in the gym at that hour. Today there was one other guy, and he was watching the game, not exercising. Toward half-time, two other guys wandered in. Guess they weren't basketball fans. Or maybe they're transplants and could care less about the home team. I ignored them, to be safe.

On a personal note:
The Tigers weren't the only ones celebrating victory today. About halfway through my workout, I realized that I have defeated the elliptical machine. I think I've mentioned before that my first elliptical experience wasn't especially motivating. My legs were screaming at the two-minute mark, but I made myself go to five minutes just to save some semblance of dignity. Ten months later and I'm flying through a 45-minute workout without any trouble. Yes, I'm sweaty, jello-legged, and huffy-puffy at the end, but that's kind of the point. :)

I had a similar experience working with the trainer this week. Trainer Kevin made me do 80 push-ups in one 45-minute session. At my first PT session last June, I sort of did nine push-ups. I say "sort of" because they were really more elbow-creases than push-ups. But Wednesday night, I did 80 push-ups of various types, and I did most of them well. While I was rubbing my noodle-y arms, I took a moment to savor the victory, and perhaps gloat a little. (Apparently, the effort showed. Trainer Wayne asked after the workout, "Have you been swimming?" LOL I looked in the mirror and saw that my hair was wring-it-out wet.)

And a final victory, of sorts, occurred when I did my "Sneak Peak" Friday night weigh-in. It was not pretty. (If I'm going to have a 3-pound gain, I want the freaking 10,000 calories that go with it!) Probably just a freaky bounce, but definitely not rewarding. Still, as I was staring down at the ugly number, my immediate thought (after Oh, shit!) was that there just wasn't anything to be done about it. Eating more isn't going to help; neither is eating less. I eat what I eat to fuel my body. Sometimes I go a smidgen over my calorie target, but sometimes I go a smidgen under. It all averages out to what I think is the right number for what I'm doing. Anyway, I'm claiming victory in that my first reaction was to simply keep doing what I'm doing. An earlier version of me would've probably cried and/or headed for the Little Debbie aisle.

I hope you'll find a quiet moment or two to savor some of your victories this weekend. I'd love to read about them--here, or on your blog!

Stranger in a Strange Land

This weekend has been about finding clothes that fit. I had a picture made last week and I realized my pants were not flattering me AT ALL. I did not do all this work to walk around in baggy britches!

Going into "normal" sizes continues to be a bit of a transition for me. I actually get dry-mouthed and jittery walking into the store. I'm not sure what I think will happen in there. Maybe the clerks will say to each other, "What is she doing here?" (Left over, I suspect, from a miserable Bloomingdale's experience in NYC, in which a sales clerk yelled loudly, "We don't have your sizes here. You'll have to go over there!", and pointed to the plus sizes. No fewer than twelve people in the vicinity all looked at us. I kid you not.)

Anyway, I know in my rational mind that I belong there. I earned my way in. My heart still gets nervous, but I'm working on it.

The first thing I did was to find a helper:


I love this tank. It doesn't squeeze so much as it smooths.

If you know what I mean.

It's called Assets, and it's the best $20 you'll spend at Target.

(note: I am not the model here or in any of these photos. I do, however, have a red necklace and a nice smile.)

After a check on zafu, I decided yesterday to try some of the smaller stores: Eddie Bauer, J.Crew, Coldwater Creek, the Gap. I couldn't find anything I liked because they all seemed to be droopy in the butt. That many stores and all the size 12s fit the same. I didn't think it was possible! And then the clerk at J.Crew clued me on the fact that I was a size 10. I almost argued with her that I was only a 10 if there was elastic in the waistband. But I didn't.

Unfortunately, while she was gone, I noticed the price tag on the pants: $130. Ouch. There's no way I'm paying $130 for a pair of pants when I still have weight to lose (and still seem to be in losing mode.) But I couldn't resist trying them on. They looked good, but they were a little snug in the waist. But only a little. They'll be mine when I reach my goal weight. I don't plan on spending that much on all my pants, but this pair will be in my closet.

Today was Macy's and New York & Company. I tried on 10s and 12s, but no luck. I did find a couple of cute shirts though.

Finally, I remembered my old faithful: Target.


Jackpot! And at $22/pair!

Perfect?

No.

But they look good, fit snugly (since I opted for the size 10s) so I should be able to wear them for a while, and didn't break my pocketbook.

When I'm able to give these away, I will have gotten my money's worth from them.

If you're still here and you're worried that every stitch of clothing I purchase from here on out will be discussed in such detail, fear not! I think today I'm just excited about progressing on my discomfort in shopping in "regular" sizes and feeling less like an imposter.

Also that tomorrow I will wear pants that fit.

Have a happy, healthy week everyone.

~

Motivation Mojo

(Thanks to all for the HYC Love! You all inspire me to make the next week as excellent as possible, and I appreciate you for it!)

I'm caught up on all the Mr. Linky's I could access, and I'm impressed by how many successes (on the scale and off) there were this week. Plus, many of you are using an "up week" to learn and grow, and isn't that what this is all about?

In a few areas of fitness land, I'm reading discouragement and a sense of being...sort of lost, and that breaks my heart. There's not a one of us here who hasn't gone through the exact same thing, though in all likelihood, in various and sundry ways, and we'll likely have dips and trips in the future. I wish I had some magic words to help those of you who do feel like you're struggling, but I'm sad and sorry to say I just don't.

So, I went and found somebody else's words! LOL A great post arrived in my email today from sparkpeople, and I knew as soon as I saw the title, it would be linked on my blog tonight!

"25 Ways to Get Back on Track Today"

(Do they have our number, or what! )

I'm not going to list all of the tips and tricks. You can check out the article for that. I highly recommend it because they have neat links to supporting how-to type articles for additional assistance.

But here are my faves, the things that have worked very well for me:

1. Try a short workout. Even five minutes is better than nothing. For ideas browse our video library or workout generator.

3. Eat a healthy breakfast. Your morning meal sets the stage for the rest of your day, so start if off right! Get lots of breakfast ideas here.

4. Drink your water. Try to aim for 8 cups each day and you’ll feel the difference!

6. Track your food today. No matter how it adds up, you’ll learn from it.

10. Find a buddy. Get support from friends, whether you need someone to listen or a mentor to give you ideas and encouragement. (Cammy note: If you're here via the HYC, you've already made a great step in this direction!)

14. Check the nutrition facts before you go out to eat. That way, you can make an informed choice. (Cammy note: The only bookmark I've added to my iPhone is the mobile calorie-count.com link. I can now check from my table at the restaurant. Waitstaff will loathe me for it, but my belly fat is depending on it! LOL)

22. Eat a piece of fruit. Even if 5-9 servings of fruit and vegetables sounds impossible to you, one is doable.

25. Learn something new. Sometimes simply taking a quiz or reading an article about nutrition, fitness, or health can change your mindset and get you back on track.

There are lots of other good tips and links in the article, but as I said, I can personally attest to the healing powers of these few items. Try one or two or six of them, and keep yourself moving forward even when you can't make the scale move downward. You can do this!

The Biggest Difference in Building a Smaller Me

Selma asked: What made you successful, when so many of us aren't? Did you have any sort of revelation early on?

Thanks for the question, Selma! I appreciate the compliment and your interest. I've blogged this before, but I welcome the opportunity to harp on it some more. :)

I'm no expert on weight loss or weight management, obviously, but I do think I've uncovered a fairly large clue on how to make a lasting lifestyle change. At least, I hope it will be a lasting change. Time will tell, I suppose. Entering the fourth trimester of this rebirthing process, it still feels like it's taking.

But to your question, there have been lots of tools that have aided my success (having friends and co-workers who make up a brilliant support network, hiring a personal trainer, logging food consumption on sparkpeople, blogging, etc.), but the fundamental difference was that I decided to forget about losing weight and focus on being healthy, and I gave myself time to adapt to the changes that would require. I guess with age comes a certain amount of wisdom, because I finally "got" that overturning a lifetime of bad habits would be a lot easier if I undid them one by one. Or sometimes a couple at a time, depending on the level of complexity. :)

Here's why I recommend that people at least try this approach: in ten months (or so) of changing, I can honestly report that I have had four full-out feasts--birthday, Thanksgiving and two at Christmas. They were planned and they were spectacular! No binges, no food meltdowns, not a single recrimination. Add to that the fact that I haven't missed a single workout other than when I had surgery on my feet and then when I had the flu (me, for pity's sake! Former Queen of the Couch Potatoes!), and you'll see why I so fervently believe in the process of small, healthy changes over time.

Again, I'm certainly no expert and God forbid I ever come across as some sort of obnoxious know-it-all. My diet is not perfect, nor is my form when I exercise. (Oh, Lord, I hope they don't have anything on videotape!) But it's all so very much better than it was, and I'm still fully committed to improving myself even further. In fact, I'm looking forward to it!

JOLT Yourself to Good Health

I mentioned this on Renee's blog the other day, and then I realized I hadn't mentioned it here. "It" is the concept of the JOLT, and it kind of speaks to what I posted yesterday about incremental change. It's also a great way to get yourself back on track if you've been...drifting.

When I was tippy-toeing my way into this thing and casting about for a method, I came up with the idea of the JOLT: Just One Little Thing. I would tell myself, "Today, you have to do Just One Little Thing differently." (Of course, I didn't talk in capital letters to myself. That's for effect. *g*) When I thought about all the changes I needed to make, I was overwhelmed. But when I had to do Just One Little Thing, I could handle it. I loved the feeling of waking up in the morning and thinking, "I need another JOLT soon." And then I'd figure out something New! and Improved! to do.

Simple, yes. Cheesy, yes. But I'll be damned if it didn't work!

We can all handle Just One Little Thing. (And yes, if it's the ONLY thing you're doing right, it's more than you were doing before, so pat yourself on the back for getting the first one out of the way.)

But! (and you knew there would be a but) one JOLT is good, but you don't stop there. The idea is that you kind of chain a bunch of JOLTs together over time, and before you know it, you're healthy and fit (or at least more than you were before) and feeling really great about your efforts.

My current JOLT is interval training on the elliptical machine. When I reach beginner level 3 and feel good about it, I'll search around for another JOLT. It might be another exercise challenge, or it might be time to conquer my fear of zucchini.

Just One Little Thing. (At a time.)

What's the one little thing you could do for yourself tomorrow?

(Happy Weekend, everyone! And thank you for visiting my blog!)

~

A Pearl for Andrew

The amazing Andrew asked: "What is the one pearl of wisdom you would share?"

One? Okay, I can do one. :)

I don't profess to have all the answers, or even to have any of the answers for some folks. But the one thing I've learned after, lo, these many years, is that you can't overhaul your life overnight. Successfully changing a lifetime of bad habits takes practice and time to execute, both physically and emotionally, along with the banishment of expectations of perfection.

I look at it this way: If someone gave me a list of home improvement projects that instructed me to clean all the windows (inside and out), sweep all the floors, remove all my switchplates and doorknobs, clean the patio and garage, catch up the laundry, repave the driveway, mow the lawn, and paint the mailbox, and then told me to start all of them on the following Monday morning and do them all perfectly, I'd run for the hills. Once I'd been revived and could pick myself up off the floor, that is.

But what I might do is choose to clean the patio and garage this weekend, tackle the switchplates and doorknobs next weekend, the windows the week after that (and maybe I'd call on a friend to be my window-washing buddy), and perhaps I'd paint the mailbox--the first coat, anyway--while I waited for the rinse cycle on the washing machine, and so on and so on.

It actually sounds possible that way, doesn't it? I might get it all done, and done well, if I break it up into manageable pieces.

Why in the hell, then, would I ever expect myself to begin a rigorous exercise program six days a week, eat only healthy foods in daily allotments that are a fraction of what I sometimes ate by noon before, drop all caffeine from my diet and replace it with water, give up chocolate and all other snack foods forever, learn everything there is to know about nutrition and how it affects my body, and deal with the emotional issues of all of the above? And do it all perfectly, with nary a tear or complaint.

Starting next Monday.

You can't overhaul your life overnight. Steady, consistent, positive changes, time to execute them, and room to screw up. It will work.

It only took me 30 years to figure all this out.


So enough of my rambling. Let's make a necklace of these pearls!

If you could share one pearl of wisdom with folks, what would it be?

Thanks to Andrew for the question!

Am I There Yet?

Many years ago I lost 40 pounds, which was about half of what I needed to lose. Then I hit a plateau. A really big plateau. I couldn't budge it and I eventually gave up.


Fast forward to today.


I'm past the previous sticking point (barely), but the scale is definitely slowing down. That was to be expected, maybe even desired, because it means there's less to lose. I feel really good about that, but I'll admit I've also been a little antsy about it lately. What if this is as far as I go? It's a question that floats around in the dusty recesses of my mind, but thanks to this thoughtful missive from Moon which led to some pondering on my part, I have my answer.

Q: What if I I don't get there?
A: There never was a there.

Now I know why I never have a ready answer when people ask me how much more weight I plan to lose. I simply don't know. When a trainer asked what size I'd like to be, I shrugged and said 12 or 14 sounded good, even though I didn't know what that would look like.

For me, there is no real answer other than to be fit and healthy. From the beginning, my goal has always been to learn how to eat a healthy diet and exercise regularly. Beyond that, there's not much I can do about the scale. I've always believed that in my heart, even if I need to be reminded of it from time to time. My body will decide what weight it wants to be based on what I put into it and the effort I pull out of it. That is the only thing I have control over.

All that said, it's still good to have measurable goals. The trick, I think, is in accepting that some of them may be just out of reach. And that could actually be a very good thing, because there's joy in working toward something. In fact, that's often where you find those other successes, like completing a 5k or lowering your blood pressure. And sometimes those successes you never expected: like size 12 Levi's 512 jeans. :) And there's no failure in that. No siree, Bob.

So I'll continue to work for shiny new badges, knowing that at some point there will be a badge that stays up there for a very, very long time. I'd like it to be a different one than the one I have now, but if it isn't? I'll still keep working.

~

Where Kindness Matters Most

Kindness in words creates confidence. Kindness in thinking creates profoundness. Kindness in giving creates love. ~Lao Tzu

I came across this quote today and I copied it down, thinking I'd use it to remind myself to be kinder to others. While I'm generally a pretty nice person, I could certainly use a little reminder every now and then that the world is not really all about me.

So on about my day I went. Work, lunch, work, manicure, cardio--another exciting day in Cammy-land, as you can see.

Oh, but I forgot to mention the ritual! It's a new thing I've started recently, whenever I'm changing clothes, and it goes something like this: I pause to look in the mirror and obsess about my droopy breasts, my flabby belly, and my sagging thighs. I count the wrinkles, the ones that weren't there this time last year because my cheeks were so fat, and twist my neck from side to side to see the folds of excess skin ripple as I do so. And then I sum it up with one of two words: Yuk! or Gross!

On rare occasions, in the right lighting, I use both.

It was no different tonight, until a tiny inner voice piped up with, "Now exactly how is that 'kind'?"

I didn't have an answer, not a good one anyway, because it's not kind. It's downright cruel. There's no way I would ever say that to a friend, so why in hell would I ever say it to myself?

My body is not beautiful just now, at least not in the conventional sense of the word, and I'm not going to try to convince myself otherwise. For the record, I wouldn't do that to a friend either. But if asked, I'd damn sure be kind with my answer. I'd point out that this interim body is a work in progress, maybe add a reminder that the caterpillar-to-butterfly transition gets kind of icky in the middle part, but it all works out beautifully in the end. If we're talking close friend, I might even joke about the number of crunches in her future, and the newer, healthier me would offer to do them with her. Maybe I'd find more words of wisdom, but I know none of them would be "gross" or "yuk".

This is what I thought about when I was on the treadmill tonight, and I vowed to be kinder to myself, to give myself the gifts that build confidence, profoundness, and love. When I finished my cardio (and caught my breath), I dug out this poem I copied down years ago, and it's now taped to my bathroom mirror. It's the kindest thing I knew to do for myself.

SOME ME OF BEAUTY
By Carolyn Rodgers
(as read on Oprah many years ago)

I took a good long look at myself in a full length mirror
Sometimes it's good to look in a full length mirror
And what I saw was not some soul sister poetess of the moment
But I saw just a woman
Just a woman feeling
Just a woman human
And what I felt was
What I felt was a spiritual revelation
And what I felt was a root revival of some love coming on
Coming on strong
And I knew then, looking in a full length mirror,
That many things were over
And some me of beauty was about to begin

Don't mind me, I'll just be here.

Waiting.

Patiently.

Eau de Change

Living in the southern U.S., I've expended a fair amount of sweat in my lifetime. I've never liked it. My hormonal teen years were filled with angsty days of triple deodorant applications and excessive showering, and still the tell-tale dark rings appeared under my arms. I might have even written to Teen magazine at some point--I was that traumatized by sweat.

As an adult, I've liked sweating even less. In the summer months in Memphis, one can spend an hour doing her hair and makeup in the morning, only to see both vaporized by noon. The hair goes limp and lifeless, except for the glistening band of perspiration around the hairline, and the makeup--well, the makeup winds up somewhere around the waistline. It's not pleasant, to say the least. On the positive side, the sweaty armpits seem to have been lost to my youth.

So imagine my surprise when, while working out this morning, I felt the dampness of sweat trickling down the back of my neck...and I smiled. It may sound crazy but I was positively gleeful! This was welcome sweat, downright desirable. I couldn't believe it. Here was proof that I could push myself beyond my sedentary comfort level, without trainers egging me on.

And then a stream of sweat trailed down my temple and into the corner of my eye. I raised an arm to wipe it away...and almost passed out.

I smelled, for heaven's sake!

My first instinct was to stop immediately and head for the showers. Ladies shouldn't smell like this. Not proper Southern ladies. It was embarrassing! Fortunately, there were only a few other people in the gym, and since they were some distance away, I kept exercising. And thinking.

It's not like this was the first time I broke a sweat during this lifestyle change. The trainers have made sure of that three times a week, plus I do a fair job of it when I'm on my treadmill. (It's why I keep a remote-controlled fan in front of it. *g*) And last August, when I was walking in 100-degree (F) temperatures, sweat was pouring off of me and I smelled absolutely foul by the time I got home.

No, the novelty is that today was the first time I was conciously happy about it, the first time I saw it as something other than a symbol of being overweight and out of shape. Today, I realized my sweaty/smelly state as a symbol of change. Evidence of effort and determination and achievement and hope faith. It's the aroma of newborn pride.

And I love it!

Cardio: Mixin' It Up

Thanks to Carol, whose comment in the 'I Dare You' post reminded me of an interesting article I read a few days ago (and I could almost swear I read the same article about four months ago, but oh well.) Anyway, Carol wrote:

I don't want to set a specific time goal each day because if my body gets used to it, I may plateau and I've got so much weight to lose, I have to avoid that possibility so my cardio must be switched up and changing constantly.

I agree with you, Carol. So does Debbie Rocker of Yahoo! Health. Among other things she writes about in her January 28th article (and possibly another one four months ago *g*), Ms. Rocker suggests:

So exercise efficiently – two short, very intense (relative to your level of fitness) training sessions weekly, like a 15-minute fast run/walk or fast cycling sprint intervals, and two moderately long, moderately intense sessions (30-45 minutes) of strong walking, cycling, or yoga, with one long day (60-90 minutes) of a moderately paced walk/hike. That’s a great five-day/week training schedule.

That's sort of how I manage my week. On training days, I usually only do 15 minutes, 20 if Ashley left me any legs to work with, and on other weekdays I walk about 35-45 minutes, and then on weekends I try to get two 60 minutes walks in, but I don't always manage that for both days. I almost always take one day a week as a rest day. (I've got to get better at that!) The idea is that I average 35 minutes per day for each day of the month.

For February I'm right at the 35-minute average, but tomorrow is a rest day, so I'll try to add 5-10 minutes here and there for the remainder of the week to catch up.

Letting Go

For months now, I've been piling up clothes that no longer fit. Most were clothes from my largest days, but some were "interim" clothes. I've hesitated to take that final step of letting them go (they'll be taking so much more with them than fibers), but today is The Day. When Goodwill opens at noon, I will be there.

Me, and my six hefty bags of too-big clothes.


For the record:
2 full- length coats
14 cardigans/sweaters
15 pairs of shorts
50 pairs of pants
90+ shirts/blouses

What's especially sad is that I still have about 40 blouses and a dozen or so pairs of pants to take to a resale shop in a few weeks.

Next up on my lifestyle change agenda is frugality. Until then, I'll focus on the imagined happy faces of too-large women shopping at Goodwill over the next few weeks.

I Dare You

Last night I crossed over my 1,000 cardio minute mark, and I'll be rolling over an extra 28 minutes to February. I have another 1,000 cardio minute goal for February, so the "headstart" is especially welcome in such a short month.

One of the fundamentals in goal-setting is to figure out how to make it fun. Challenging myself, daring myself to reach a certain mark or milestone is invigorating and rewarding. It doesn't matter if other, fitter, people achieve my monthly goals on a weekly basis. These goals are all stretches for me at this time, and chasing them is a great motivator. On the days when I just want to fall into bed when I get home, I remember the challenge and how good it feels to be successful. To win.

So, I'm planning for a February repeat--the two missing days be damned--and I will, of course, be rewarding myself. If I achieve 1,000 cardio minutes in February, I will win...a shiny new bicycle! Probably not the bicycle of my dreams (a leetle expensive), but one that will get me out and about this spring!

Anyone care to join me? Build a February challenge for yourself, one that will get you off the couch, or away from the potato chips, when you'd really just rather...not? A challenge that, once achieved, will have you anticipating the next one even before you've captured your reward for the first? C'mon, it'll be fun.

I dare you.

I double dog dare you. :-)

.

A Picture's Worth a Thousand Memories

The lovely Eva asked about progress pictures. As in, where are they? Good question.

The problem is that I don't have many before pictures. I didn't hide from the camera; I fought like a wild cat on crack to avoid having my photo taken. It would be a permanent record of my failure, you see, captured for eternity for all to see my shame and misery.

But then a very wise woman--thankfully, a friend of mine--wrote a beautiful little post in a forum we belong to, about mourning the loss of a friend, a large woman who never allowed her picture to be taken. My friend was so sad not to have a single photograph from all the wonderful times they'd shared. I've almost forgotten her beautiful smile, she wrote, and the way her eyes sparkled when she laughed.

Her sorrow was profound, and it made me realize how very selfish I had been. I was all wrapped up in what I saw and felt; I never considered what my family and friends saw when they looked at my photo. Sure, there might be an odd thought or two about my size, or an observation of a particularly bad hair day or unfortunate choice of blouse, but those would be wrapped in love and compassion and good memories.

Because the people who love us, love us for our hearts and minds and smiles. Our outer selves aren't as important as the good memories photographs evoke. And the people who don't love us...well, what they think doesn't really matter, especially if all they're going to see is a size.

I'll honor my friend by encouraging anyone who's hiding from the camera to give the gift of memories to your loved ones. Have your photo taken and smile like you're happy you're alive, like you're someone who's loved, like you love yourself. The people who love you deserve to see that. (You do, too!)

I'm a little better about photos now, but only a little. It's all a process, and I'm making progress. I have a few pictures here and there, and no recent ones. But when I win my January challenge and go for a makeover, I'll tote my camera with me and see what I can do. :) Meanwhile, here's a before and during:



The one on the left was a couple of years ago, and the one on the right was last October. I was somewhere around the 45 lb. mark, I think, and wearing a "before" shirt. I don't see a huge difference, except in the size of my smile. :)

I'll probably always be self-conscious when I have my picture taken, but I'm beyond the avoidance stage now. I yam what I yam, as Popeye said, and I want the people I love to remember me, especially my smile.

The Reasons Why

As I was getting my butt kicked last night at the training studio, I had this really defeatist moment when I wondered, Why in the heck do I put myself through this? I'll admit that my mind was blank for a second or two before I remembered The Reasons Why, a list I made when I first started truly focusing on this lifestyle change. I hadn't looked at it in a while, but you can bet I made a beeline for it as soon as I got home.

These reasons why were based strictly my own self-perception. Other overweight people may not (probably don't) share the same experiences or mind set that I had (have), nor should they. It wasn't a happy place to be.

So without further ado....The Reasons Why I Want to Change My Lifestyle (April 2007)

• For general health. I'm not getting any younger.
• To improve how I look (confidence)
• To change how I'm perceived by others (confident, in control, capable)
• To shop in "regular" stores
• To reduce or eliminate blood pressure medication
• To meet more people
• To try new things with confidence, or at least a sense of adventure
• To make my family proud
• To experience success
• To be my best self, the one who's hiding
• So that I can be rescued, if it's ever required (I threw this in as a bit of dark humor back then, and left it in when I read this article.)
• To travel to San Francisco and ride a bike uphill with my friend
• To help and inspire others to take on their personal demons and defeat them

In reading the list now, I can see one or two that wouldn't be applicable in today's mindset, but most of them still ring true for me. I'm proud of the progress I've made, and I'm excited for the future. So much so, that I think I'll just copy/paste this list into a new list: The Reasons Why I'm Sticking With It.

So, what are your "reasons why"? If you haven't committed them to paper or other medium, may I suggest you give it a try?

The Tippy Toe Approach

Someone at work asked me what tips I'd give to someone trying to lose weight. Considering I've been overweight my entire adult life, I was more than a bit surprised at the question. Yes, I've had some success with this whole tippy toe approach, but I'm no expert. Not even close. It's all an evolving, dynamic process, and I'm still half afraid I'll stall--or worse!--and look like a chubby fool.

Despite feeling somewhat pretentious for offering anyone advice on weight loss, I was able to come up with a short list of things that help me:

1) Logging what I eat. I use sparkpeople.com when I feel the need to be precise, and an index card when things are going smoothly. A lot of my excess weight came from not paying attention. Logging my intake helps me remain mindful of what I'm eating.

2) Working with a personal trainer. Yes, it's expensive, but I had no idea how to exercise properly. I was fortunate enough to be able to sign on for several months, but even a few sessions would be beneficial for anyone who doesn't know the ins and outs of working out. It's worth giving up a few movies or a spa trip.

3) Finding the fun in it. I almost always have some personal challenge underway. 1000 cardio minutes in January; 10,000 cardio minutes for 2008. Pretending my grocery cart is being evaluated by the trainers on The Biggest Loser. That sort of thing.

4) Dressing the part. Unless I'm at work or somewhere else that's stuffy, I'm in workout wear. Kind of hard to go for that second piece of pizza when you're wearing spandex. Plus, if I feel like breaking into a set of side lunges, I'm dressed appropriately. (Don't laugh; it happens more frequently than I ever thought it would.)

5) Surrounding myself with like-minded people. I'm blessed to have friends who have already traveled this road or are on it with me. They challenge me, provide great advice, and inspire me and lift me up every single day.

And that's the short list. These things won't work for everyone, but they've worked for me...so far. Who knows if the list will be the same next week, or next month, but for now, it's my success road map.

Turbulence

I got a stunner of a letdown yesterday. My training studio is closing next Friday. I have 38 prepaid sessions remaining. My membership will allegedly transfer to a nearby (15 minutes) franchise, but my beloved Ashley and Rachel may not move to the new studio. The new studio may not have anything close to my regular time slots available. Making this news even more troubling is that I recently encouraged a friend to join. She has at least 30 sessions remaining. God, I feel terrible about that. I'm trying not to panic, to believe everything will work out okay, but it's difficult. The whole 'tippy toe' thing is about small, gradual changes--not big, radical changes.

One of my first thoughts when I heard the news was that this change would stall my fitness efforts. I had this horrible feeling of, Well, it's all over now.

Huh? How did I reach that conclusion in a space of fifteen seconds? Since when did who I work out with and where I work out and which healthy foods I eat become about anyone other than me? I don't want to take anything away from Ashley and Rachel--they've been HUGELY instrumental in helping me see my capabilities in a different way and pushing me to push myself to a better body--but this experience isn't about them. I'm running this turnabout, and I control that aspect of my future. I'm very proud that I was able to see that, once I absorbed the bad news, and that I didn't call upon my ex-BFF, Little Debbie for comfort. Instead, I went for my post-workout turkey-on-whole-wheat sandwich and my previously planned for low-fat frozen yogurt chaser.

Today was more of the same: nervous twitters now and then, but it's all under control. I've eaten healthy foods and I'm getting the second part of my daily cardio in as soon as I hit the post button. Also, I had a hair appointment today, which always makes me feel better, but especially so today. Same basic style, shorter, a few more layers. I'm presently too cute for words. (Note: My stylist says my hair is thinning. Probably the weight loss or m-m-menopause. Or both. Or neither. )

Another also: I spent an hour or so today rambling around a Home & Garden Expo. Pocketed a few business cards for some folks who may be able to help me with some of the remodeling projects.

And a final also: I restocked my refrigerator, sort of. Until we're sure we won't have a repeat of the defrost failure, I'm not putting much in there, but for now, I have all that I need. And yes, it's ALL healthy.

The next few weeks will be a little nerve-wracking, but knowing that I handled a negative situation (real or perceived) in a positive way energizes me. I didn't cave in; I remained mindful of my actions and in control. And that's a big lifestyle change for me.

(Edited for clarity)

Freedom on Ice

On New Year's Eve, I noticed the contents of my refrigerator were warm. Room temperature warm. The freezer section seemed fine.

On New Year's Day, I noticed a small puddle on the floor and a thin stream of water trailing downward from the door ice/water dispenser. Not good.

I couldn't get a service call until last Friday, during which the repairman noticed ice crystals on the back interior of the freezer and diagnosed a malfunctioning something or other that wasn't allowing the defroster to work. Three hundred dollars was his estimate, but he didn't have the parts he needed, so I'd have to wait until today to make the repairs. Meanwhile, he advised, since we couldn't be sure the frozen food hadn't defrosted to some unsafe level, I should get rid of it. All of it. Refrigerator side, too.

At first I was horrified at the loss and the waste of food. Now, granted, about half of the food in the freezer had been there for three or four years. Chances are, I wasn't going to eat it anyway. Plus, I couldn't very well donate potentially spoiled food to a shelter or food bank. But still. It just seemed so wrong.

And then the strangest thing happened.

On Saturday, as I was tossing out my frozen collection, I felt an almost overwhelming sense of freedom. I no longer had to think about the frozen "diet dinners" I'd never eaten, or the unopened half gallon of orange sherbet my mother brought me when I was sick (two years ago). I didn't have to feel guilty for tossing out the (formerly) perfectly good tortillas I bought before I converted to whole grain everything. I do regret the loss of an unopened container of soy milk, and the Boca Burgers I hadn't had the courage to try yet, and the turkey and chicken I'd bought the week before to try out in chili recipes, and the frozen strawberries I'd planned to have for dessert on New Year's Day, and the Smart Ones Pizza. Oh, the pizza loss was difficult to overcome. It was pepperoni!

As you can see, Saturday morning was chock full of conflicting emotions. But I persevered and tossed everything except a package of carrots, a diet soda, and my last three bottles SmartWater. Oh, and some wine. I threw out everything in the freezer, including the package of sausage that had wedged itself between my stack of pizzas and the vents at the back of the freezer. (Yes, that's important as you'll see in a minute.)

The repairman had said that I should turn off the freezer for a day to allow it to defrost, and then turn it on again. If I saw ice forming again, I should turn it back off. Only I never saw any ice. The thing ran like a dream for almost a week! When the repairman returned today and I told him about the sausage/vent thing and that the fridge had been running just fine, he confirmed that it was likely the blocked air vents that caused the problem. I'm supposed to try it out for a week longer.

As I was standing there staring into the vast emptiness of both freezer and fridge this morning, after the repair guy had gone, I had that sense of freedom again. Not only have I been spared the $300 cost of repair, I now face a great big do-over opportunity. I've tippy-toed far enough that I can buy only good, nutritional foods for my fridge, and only enough for the next few weeks. Never again will I shop for food as though the grocery stores were all closing the next day. (For energy efficiency, I'll fill the unused shelves with recycled bottles of water.) Never again will I let a great sale overcome my sense of proportion and good sense. With the help of a two-(or possibly, three-)year old package of sausage, I can do it right this time! I feel proud already, knowing that the contents of my refrigerator will reflect the new, improved version of me.

Cluttered House, Cluttered Body?

I found an interesting link yesterday, and man, was it timely. Just the thing I needed to start the weekend!

This link will take you to a wonderful article posted on The New York Times webiste about the possible connections between cluttery folks and excess weight. I'd never really thought about any sort of link between the two. Since I suffer from both afflictions, this article has me pondering mightily over the similarities in the causes (not living mindfully, in my case) and the resulting reactions.

After the holidays, many shoppers load up their carts with storage bins, shelving systems and color-coded containers, all in a resolute quest to get organized for the new year.

It strikes me now that this fits in perfectly with the Grand Fitness Plan so many of us concoct at the beginning of a new year. As with clutter control, The GFP usually involves buying things to help us: new workout videos, diet aids such as grapefruit, grapefruit, and grapefruit, fitness equipment like treadmills, elliptical trainers, etc., and so on and so on. In both of these situations, we're approaching the problem from outside the problem itelf, when the answer is inside us, waiting to be uncovered.

Ms. Johnson says she often sees a link between her client’s efforts to get organized and weight loss. “I think someone decides, ‘I’m not going to live like this anymore. I’m not going to hold onto my stuff, I’m not going to hold onto my weight,’” she said. “I don’t know that one comes before the other. It’s part of that same life-change decision.”

I've been looking at this clutter tendency of mine as a function of bad housekeeping habits. I think, in reality, it's bad Cammykeeping habits, primarily mindless acquisition combined with tchtotzke gluttony. The similarity to mindless eating, which I have already addressed with a measure of success, is what has me feeling a bit like Nancy Drew holding her Best Clue Ever. I think I can solve the case now. :)

Hope you have a nice weekend. I'll be slaying dragons here, or at least sharpening my s